BOGAN GAGS

Going through some old files I found material from the stand-up stuff Johnny Ryan and I did in the early 80s. Here’s a sample.

Q: Which piece of attire would not be found on a true bogan?
A: Black t-shirt
B: White belt
C: Ripped sneakers
D: Crucifix earring

ANS: A – the black t-shirt would have already been ripped off in a fight.

Q: Which sticker would be out of place on a bogan car?
A: Baby on Board
B: Angels Rule
C: Oils Rule
D: INXS Rule

Ans: Not A – one of your bogan mates would have put that on for a joke, D: Michael Hutchence’s skin’s too good.

Q: Where would a bogan prefer to go on a night out?
A: McDonalds
B: Rollerskating
C: Speedway
D: The Opera

Ans A: Spider’s having his 21st there

Q: Which film star is the bogan favourite?
A: Arnold Schwartzenagger
B: Charles Brosnan
C: Chuck Norris
D: Rachel Ward

Ans: D – we’re not poofters and who wouldn’t want to go to bed with Brian Brown

REAL SCOURGE OF FOOTY IS NOT THE BUMP PART 3

In answer to my own question posed in the previous blog in my series about the push in the back, the answer as to who would suffer the next serious injury would appear to be Daniel Cross who has suffered a broken leg because of the cowardly and stupid action of his teammate Tom McDonald in shoving Drew Petrie in the back into Cross.  Cross will now miss at least four weeks maybe double that. One has to ask why McDonald should not be cited for his reckless act, even if the injured player was his own teammate.  This, all against the backdrop of Jaeger O’Meara being checked for shoving Christensen into a collision with Dixon and being let off because Dixon was also shoved in the back by Jared Rivers!  Why weren’t they both Rivers and O’Meara found guilty of reckless play and at least given a suspended sentence? As with the bump, the point isn’t whether they meant to hurt somebody but if somebody is hurt as a result of their reckless actions they deserve to pay the penalty.

REAL SCOURGE OF FOOTY IS NOT THE BUMP PART 2

Proving the point I made in my previous post comes news Josh Kennedy has a fractured cheekbone caused by the canon effect of Nic Nat being shoved in the back by Firrito.  Nic Nat flew, Firrito chose to stay on the ground and shove in the back.  We have serious injuries being caused by this cowardly act and it is time players who choose this action and cause injury face the same consequences as those who do similar via a bump.  Riewoldt, Judd, Lynch now Kennedy, who’s next?

THE REAL SCOURGE OF AFL FOOTY IS NOT THE BUMP

Recent events have highlighted the dark, dangerous action which threatens severe and permanent injury to players. I do not refer to the bump but to that refuge of the desperate, beaten hack, the shove in the back.
Adelaide’s Tom Lynch copped a broken jaw, Nick Riewoldt was KO’d on the field and another champion Chris Judd had his comeback scuppered, all in incidents where they were propelled from behind. In my fifty years of watching footy I have seen many of the worst injuries caused by the shove in the back which is particularly dangerous in a marking contest where a player has left his feet and finds himself catapulted into an elbow or head with no chance of protection. Yet the joke is this cowardly act is rarely even penalised. In any game on any given weekend you can be sure there’ll be an occasion where a player running into an open goal is shoved in the back by some loser in pursuit, causing him to miss. Commentators generally blame the player shooting, “oh he sprayed that” or praise the pursuer “wonderful chase and pressure.” Hey, news morons, it is not “pressure” to shove a player in the back it is an illegal act that should be penalised. I remember a game a couple of years ago where three times Rioli shoved Fremantle players in the back each time resulting in a Hawthorn goal. The commentators were in raptures.
But the player shoved in the back is much more deserving of a free kick than those who duck or leave their feet and are then paid free kicks for incidental high contact. In those instances the disadvantage is self-inflicted but the one area where a player cannot inflict the damage on himself is a shove in the back. On the rare occasion where a bold umpire actually upholds the rule and pays the free you can guarantee he’ll be scoffed at as “soft.” There was nothing soft about the injury Judd received, and he wasn’t even paid a free. Thankfully, from what I can see of the Tom Lynch incident it looks like an unfortunate accident. Yes, Georgiou is propelling him from behind but it is more acceleration and body pressure, not a violent shove. However Riewoldt is shoved in the back and cops a terrible hit to the head so my question is, why isn’t Rowe, the offender cited for reckless or careless conduct? What’s the difference between a player contesting the ball with a bump and causing an unintentional injury, and a player shoving from behind causing the identical injury? The only difference I can see is that the player shoving isn’t even in the contest and has therefore no defence.
The AFL can’t have it both ways. If they are going to protect players from injury by charging players for careless or reckless acts that may be unintentional then players who cause those injuries by a shove in the back, by diving at the feet of a running player or by tripping, are equally culpable. At the very least let’s have umpires bold enough to pay free kicks to players who are shoved in the back running into an open goal and commentators smart enough to recognise that’s the right call.

THE BEST 50 FOOTBALLERS TO PLAY FOR WA TEAMS

BEST FIFTY PLAYERS FOR WA TEAMS: WAFL, STATE, EAGLES and DOCKERS.

I have been following footy since 1961 when I first listened avidly to the calls of Ollie Drake Brockman, Frank Sparrow and others on Perth radio. In those days there would be a small amount of filmed footage of the WAFL games shown on Saturday nights. Nearly always they showed Polly Farmer leaping in the air for a ruck knock. By 1963 I was actually attending the occasional footy match and from 1964 onwards became a regular. These days of course one can follow all the AFL games via Fox and I virtually never miss seeing a Dockers or Eagles game this way. This background is to help explain my very personal criteria for judging the top 50 players who have represented WA teams, be they state teams, WA-based AFL clubs or WAFL teams. I have made judgments on all the players I have seen live, on TV or listened to descriptions of via radio from 1961 to the present day. This means that I was exposed to only the tip of the iceberg of some players like Jack Clarke and Polly Farmer, so I have been unable to rank them as high as their entire career may well deserve. Originally I attempted to rank the players from 1 (the very best) through to 50 but it became too hard and arbitrary. Instead I have grouped my top 50 into three groups. Two players make the first group by a half-length to the second group and there’s only a lip then to the third group.
I don’t expect anybody to agree with me, not totally anyway. It’s a very personal judgement, how do you compare brilliance with durability and so on. I’ve decided to leave out a few players of enormous skill who I felt left WA too early in their career to make the list. Also, I left out some WA legends who played vast numbers of wonderful WAFL games but I felt didn’t quite have the class to edge their way in.
I look forward to the inevitable abuse and some discussion and urge others to put down their top 50 players.
Just to clarify the criteria – players who between 1961 and 2014 have played for WAFL clubs, State games for WA, or for the Eagles and Dockers. The players do not have to have been born in WA to qualify.

GROUP A – THE MASTERS

CABLE
PEAKE

GROUP B – CHAMPIONS

PAVLICH, D GREEN, M RIOLI, G JACKOVIC, MELROSE, D COX, ROBERTSON, MOSS, PETER MATERA, B COUSINS, KERR, GLENDINNING, MCAULEY, MCKENNA, JOHN MCINTOSH, MALAXOS, BREHAUT, WILEY, WALKER, S MICHAEL, CURTIS, WATLING, JUDD

GROUP C – SUPERB

MAINWARING, WORSFOLD, SLATER, HUNTER, FEATHERBY, SHIELDS, M BROWN, P NARKLE, KEMP, ATWELL, BRENNAN, BAGLEY, F LEWIS, D MARSHALL, M RANCE, SORREL, RALPH, JUDGE, SUMICH, HARDIE, BUCKENARA, JACK CLARKE, G FARMER, DEMPSEY, SANDILANDS
There are of course numerous great players I couldn’t fit in. Here are a few –

HASELBY, HOLLINS, HEADY, BELL, WHINNEN, EAKINS, COUPER, MALARKY, BUHAGIAR, KRAKOUERS, BEASLEY, GEROVICH, SCOTT, YOUNG, FRANCE, PARKER, GIBELLINI, WILSON, IAN MILLER, HARDING, BOUCHER, GNEESHAM, GLASS, PMETROPOLIS, GIBBS, MODRA, MCMANUS, BOSUSTOW, MCPHARLIN. CICCOTOSTO, MAGRO, RANDALL, MONTEATH

FIVE REALITIES THE SWANS MUST FACE

I don’t want to bash the Swans just because they have had a couple of losses. Some players will come back and play much better in the coming weeks than what we have seen so far but there are some issues that will not go away and must addressed if the Swans are to get their campaign back on track.  

  1. GARY ROHAN AND RHYS SHAW MUST BE DROPPED.

    All football fans and Swans fans in particular want to see Gary Rohan become the footballer he was on the verge of becoming before Lindsay Thomas’ reckless leg-breaking tackle stopped his career dead.  The truth is however since his return last year Rohan has not played one game that even comes close to AFL standard. He must be dropped back and given a chance to build form, confidence and stamina in the reserves.

    Rhys Shaw is a different matter. Last year he was largely unavailable through injury which saw Jared McVeigh take up the half-back role with devastating effect. McVeigh’s brilliant disposal was a large reason the Swans were in the flag hunt for so long. Shaw on the other hand is a terrible turn-over merchant.  He lacks the skills to play in a top team and his decision making is not reliable. On Saturday his inevitable turnovers weren’t just bad passes that disadvantaged a team-mate they were kicks and handballs directly to Collingwood players.  He must go.

     

  2. ONLY ONE OF O’KEEFE, BIRD AND MCGLYNN CAN BE IN THE STARTING 21.

    These three players are too slow to play in the same starting line-up – except in heavy weather conditions where two could be included. Both Bird and McGlynn are also too short to compete in marking contests.  Of the three only McGlynn is really suited to the Substitute role, the others being more grinding, tackling players.  The Swans coaching staff played all three in game one, although O’Keefe was a late inclusion in the 21.  Once again all three were named in the 22 last Saturday. It is a recipe for disaster.

     

  3. MIKE PYKE IS A GREAT #2 RUCKMAN.

    Pyke has been sensational for the Swans but he is not the kind of number 1 ruckman who bullocks and commands the centre square like Sandilands, Mumford, Cox and others, especially when the ball hits the ground.  The Swans are much less effective with him in this role and must find somebody to release Pyke to his previous role.

     

  4. JOHN LONGMIRE SHOULD BE A HORSE NOT A MULE.

    Longmire’s obstinacy in persisting with a losing tactic of Sam Reid as loose-man-in-defence was a huge tactical blunder in the Collingwood game. Maxwell, these days a sub-par backman was turned into a super-star when Reid’s height and agility would have made him a handful while at the other end Reid was not as commanding. For much of last year Reid had nobody else to take the heat up forward but now he has Buddy and this should see him face lesser opponents. Hey, everybody makes mistakes but to stubbornly persist until far too long in the error should see Longmire re-nicknamed “mule”.

     

  5. LEWIS JETTA HAS TO PUT IN

    For three quarters last Saturday Jetta’s efforts when he did not have the ball were pathetic.  The way he avoided physical contact was like a nun in a sauna.  Perhaps Jetta is going to really only be useable as the substitute.

 

 

TED’S PROBLEM

Here’s a little performance poem written back in the early 80s for venues like the Chelsea Tavern, far too politically incorrect to ever be accommodated these days in a volume of Australian writings, or likely even spoken on the boards, though you never know I might add it later in the year to my cut-down Warner tour featuring music, poems and  various writings. It’s a little Benny Hill but then in the toilet stalls of life Art often finds itself beside fart – and anyway what’s wrong with Benny?

TED’S PROBLEM (dave warner)

 Ted’s a mate of ours he’s not too good looking

Apparently the sewage burst while Ted’s Mum and Dad were fff …foneymooning

They say the scare it gave Ted’s mum was written on the baby’s face

Ted’s not too bright either always two lengths off the pace

Anyway Ted’s a mate of ours and not too good looking

He’s 26 and lives at home – he says he likes Mum’s cooking

Is it any wonder Ted’s story’s so heart rending

Truth is Ted is always sad because he cannot get his end in.

 

It almost happened once at the pyramids near Cairo

An American art student mistook our Ted for Miro

He was doodling on a postcard – Ted cannot spell so he does sketching

She saw the hieroglyphics and invited him to see her etchings

But later in her boudoir Ted’s very fishy she can smell it

And she let’s out a shriek as he jabs his finger in her palate

That’s the trouble with our Ted whenever girls befriend him

He goes completely apeshit because he’s never had his end in

Following this North African fiasco

Ted takes a skiing jaunt on the slopes of Kosciuszko

All day he keeps his ski-mask on so as not to cause affright

Biding his time patiently for snow drifts in the night

And sure enough the snow comes down and the Lodge is ice besieged

Leaving Ted the centre of attention of eighteen randy bleach haired divorcees

Ted whips it off and whips it out announcing every one he’ll cherish

But eighteen randy divorcees prefer to quit the Lodge and perish

A tear stains Ted’s one good eye as he surveys the soft white blanket

So close but he’s alone now and he knows he’ll have to … radio for help.

They charged Ted with manslaughter but his QC when defending

Pointed out it was not Ted’s fault he couldn’t get his end in.

We even took Ted down to Steve’s for the famous Sunday Session

What a wasted effort it only deepened Ted’s depression

It was a dumb idea none of us have even got a sniff despite our constant spending

How was skin-flint, bung-eyed Ted ever gonna get his end in?

Then one day last week Ted announced that he had scored

We said the only leg you’re pulling is the one that doesn’t touch the floor

But he won us over by vividly describing

The diet of debauchery on which he’d recently been thriving

And then in a revelation I saw the truth about this sexual melange

Ted was one of those – Ted had gone Orange!

 We tried to pull Ted back from the bottomless abyss

But Ted had got his end in and he was having none of this

He caught a plane to Oregon – sold the Superroo

Kept in touch though sent a picture postcard proclaiming each new screw

But a loser is a loser and ne’er a winner can be

And this culminated in Ted’s honeymoon with his thirteen brides to be

Posing for the wedding photo on the slopes beneath Pompei

 Pompei took one look at Ted and spewed its guts away

Immortalising Ted’s non pulchritude forever in black stone

So grotesque, passing gulls don’t squawk they only moan and groan 

But while Ted he may be gone he’ll never be forgotten

And just to prove it every Friday night we drink ourselves half-rotten

And when our eyes go moist at the thought of Ted’s untimely ending

We console ourselves with the fact that at last Ted got his end in.