FIVE REALITIES THE SWANS MUST FACE

I don’t want to bash the Swans just because they have had a couple of losses. Some players will come back and play much better in the coming weeks than what we have seen so far but there are some issues that will not go away and must addressed if the Swans are to get their campaign back on track.  

  1. GARY ROHAN AND RHYS SHAW MUST BE DROPPED.

    All football fans and Swans fans in particular want to see Gary Rohan become the footballer he was on the verge of becoming before Lindsay Thomas’ reckless leg-breaking tackle stopped his career dead.  The truth is however since his return last year Rohan has not played one game that even comes close to AFL standard. He must be dropped back and given a chance to build form, confidence and stamina in the reserves.

    Rhys Shaw is a different matter. Last year he was largely unavailable through injury which saw Jared McVeigh take up the half-back role with devastating effect. McVeigh’s brilliant disposal was a large reason the Swans were in the flag hunt for so long. Shaw on the other hand is a terrible turn-over merchant.  He lacks the skills to play in a top team and his decision making is not reliable. On Saturday his inevitable turnovers weren’t just bad passes that disadvantaged a team-mate they were kicks and handballs directly to Collingwood players.  He must go.

     

  2. ONLY ONE OF O’KEEFE, BIRD AND MCGLYNN CAN BE IN THE STARTING 21.

    These three players are too slow to play in the same starting line-up – except in heavy weather conditions where two could be included. Both Bird and McGlynn are also too short to compete in marking contests.  Of the three only McGlynn is really suited to the Substitute role, the others being more grinding, tackling players.  The Swans coaching staff played all three in game one, although O’Keefe was a late inclusion in the 21.  Once again all three were named in the 22 last Saturday. It is a recipe for disaster.

     

  3. MIKE PYKE IS A GREAT #2 RUCKMAN.

    Pyke has been sensational for the Swans but he is not the kind of number 1 ruckman who bullocks and commands the centre square like Sandilands, Mumford, Cox and others, especially when the ball hits the ground.  The Swans are much less effective with him in this role and must find somebody to release Pyke to his previous role.

     

  4. JOHN LONGMIRE SHOULD BE A HORSE NOT A MULE.

    Longmire’s obstinacy in persisting with a losing tactic of Sam Reid as loose-man-in-defence was a huge tactical blunder in the Collingwood game. Maxwell, these days a sub-par backman was turned into a super-star when Reid’s height and agility would have made him a handful while at the other end Reid was not as commanding. For much of last year Reid had nobody else to take the heat up forward but now he has Buddy and this should see him face lesser opponents. Hey, everybody makes mistakes but to stubbornly persist until far too long in the error should see Longmire re-nicknamed “mule”.

     

  5. LEWIS JETTA HAS TO PUT IN

    For three quarters last Saturday Jetta’s efforts when he did not have the ball were pathetic.  The way he avoided physical contact was like a nun in a sauna.  Perhaps Jetta is going to really only be useable as the substitute.

 

 

TED’S PROBLEM

Here’s a little performance poem written back in the early 80s for venues like the Chelsea Tavern, far too politically incorrect to ever be accommodated these days in a volume of Australian writings, or likely even spoken on the boards, though you never know I might add it later in the year to my cut-down Warner tour featuring music, poems and  various writings. It’s a little Benny Hill but then in the toilet stalls of life Art often finds itself beside fart – and anyway what’s wrong with Benny?

TED’S PROBLEM (dave warner)

 Ted’s a mate of ours he’s not too good looking

Apparently the sewage burst while Ted’s Mum and Dad were fff …foneymooning

They say the scare it gave Ted’s mum was written on the baby’s face

Ted’s not too bright either always two lengths off the pace

Anyway Ted’s a mate of ours and not too good looking

He’s 26 and lives at home – he says he likes Mum’s cooking

Is it any wonder Ted’s story’s so heart rending

Truth is Ted is always sad because he cannot get his end in.

 

It almost happened once at the pyramids near Cairo

An American art student mistook our Ted for Miro

He was doodling on a postcard – Ted cannot spell so he does sketching

She saw the hieroglyphics and invited him to see her etchings

But later in her boudoir Ted’s very fishy she can smell it

And she let’s out a shriek as he jabs his finger in her palate

That’s the trouble with our Ted whenever girls befriend him

He goes completely apeshit because he’s never had his end in

Following this North African fiasco

Ted takes a skiing jaunt on the slopes of Kosciuszko

All day he keeps his ski-mask on so as not to cause affright

Biding his time patiently for snow drifts in the night

And sure enough the snow comes down and the Lodge is ice besieged

Leaving Ted the centre of attention of eighteen randy bleach haired divorcees

Ted whips it off and whips it out announcing every one he’ll cherish

But eighteen randy divorcees prefer to quit the Lodge and perish

A tear stains Ted’s one good eye as he surveys the soft white blanket

So close but he’s alone now and he knows he’ll have to … radio for help.

They charged Ted with manslaughter but his QC when defending

Pointed out it was not Ted’s fault he couldn’t get his end in.

We even took Ted down to Steve’s for the famous Sunday Session

What a wasted effort it only deepened Ted’s depression

It was a dumb idea none of us have even got a sniff despite our constant spending

How was skin-flint, bung-eyed Ted ever gonna get his end in?

Then one day last week Ted announced that he had scored

We said the only leg you’re pulling is the one that doesn’t touch the floor

But he won us over by vividly describing

The diet of debauchery on which he’d recently been thriving

And then in a revelation I saw the truth about this sexual melange

Ted was one of those – Ted had gone Orange!

 We tried to pull Ted back from the bottomless abyss

But Ted had got his end in and he was having none of this

He caught a plane to Oregon – sold the Superroo

Kept in touch though sent a picture postcard proclaiming each new screw

But a loser is a loser and ne’er a winner can be

And this culminated in Ted’s honeymoon with his thirteen brides to be

Posing for the wedding photo on the slopes beneath Pompei

 Pompei took one look at Ted and spewed its guts away

Immortalising Ted’s non pulchritude forever in black stone

So grotesque, passing gulls don’t squawk they only moan and groan 

But while Ted he may be gone he’ll never be forgotten

And just to prove it every Friday night we drink ourselves half-rotten

And when our eyes go moist at the thought of Ted’s untimely ending

We console ourselves with the fact that at last Ted got his end in.

 

NEVER TEAR US APART

Just a very quick thank you to all of you who have taken the trouble to contact me and let me know how much you enjoyed Part 1 of Never Tear Us Apart, the 2 part INXS mini-series. I would like to respond to you all individually but am in the process of nailing the first draft of my first crime novel in more than ten years and need every second. I must also point out that my NTUA co-writer Justin Monjo did the lion’s share of the script.  I don’t know if any of you Suburbs fans out there caught the Rage show a couple of weeks ago that featured YELLA IN ME but if you missed it you can probably find it on U-tube. Have to say the band rocked!  I am hopeful that some clever producer might make a TV series  of my novel CITY OF LIGHT so I can use Warner, Loaded Dice and INXS soundtrack because Perth in 1979 was a special cauldron of creativity and needs to be shown.  No offence to recent spate of Aussie TV shows based on Aus crime novels, it’s great to see local stories being made and they’ve all got something going for them but they are about as shy of City of Light and Big Bad Blood as Radio Birdman of The Suburbs. 

Ponderings # 2 On Technology and Romance

If a man is born with 3 hands will the computer match him to a woman with 3 breasts?

Ponderings # 1 PHYSICS AND METAPHYSICS

If a Porsche travelled backwards at sufficient speed would it turn into a VW Beetle?

MY FIRST GAME OF FOOTBALL

http://youtu.be/ggrpGUA5uXE

Here’s the second of my footy poems I performed at the Caravan Club Grand Final Eve

Warner Live at the Caravan Club with ode to 2013 Footy Season

http://youtu.be/ZaoqsLYYFz4

For those football maniacs out there who wanted to hear my Ode to 2013 Footy Season, here it is recorded live at the Caravan Club Grand Final Eve and yes it should be jam not Clash.